To the men I loved before

Relationships more often than not and in vast majority of cases end in tears, if not 'end' in tears there are most certainly a great deal of them along the way. It is a major source of heart ache, and when you heart aches, what happens to the rest of your body, mind and spirit? Its such a cruel world. When it comes to the thing that we all yearn for in life, a companion, a friend and love ( to give and receive ) there seems to be no end of trouble. There are maybe some who escape devastating turmoil and pain, some who seem to make excellent partners ( or maybe that is a how it seems to others of the surface ) oh dear, call me cynical, but when it comes to relationships, I have been cynical all my life.

Being as we live in and amongst one another, having relationships, whether intimate or otherwise is part of life. Upon their ending, many people can become so upset and irate and they feel hard done by. They might plot revenge on their past lover, or feel like committing suicide. Whilst hurt and anger is very real and can be very painful, when things aren't so raw, it is a good and wise thing to reflect on all the good things that that person gave you, even if it is not that much, there must be something that enhanced your life. Things that you perhaps now take on board and you can remember them in a way that made you feel better, wiser for having known and been close to them.

This all started with a conversation I was having among some friends, and then found it relevant on a thread on face book and so I thought I would expand it a little here.

My first lover was half Jamaican, being the first, he is the one who had a very large impact and it has been said that for women, they never forget their first lover. He taught me many things, so many things it is hard to re count any major ones. He liked and was good at science, physics and maths, he taught me things like how to get that last little bit out of a ketchup bottle, how to get water quickly and easily out of a wet cup, he taught me that things like flu and colds could be got rid of quicker if they were shared with a well person ( it worked ), he taught me that bruises could be avoided if the damaged area was rubbed hard, fast and quickly after injury (and no, this wasn't after he hit me, there was no violence in that relationship). He was a star gazer and we watched shooting stars in the night sky so much. He was a very intelligent man, and was also very loving. He really loved me and that look in his eyes is something as a memory I will treasure always.

It could have all been so beautiful, maybe some children ( although I was always petrified of giving birth and squeamish about it too )! So rather than pursue my life with this man, I went to college and had a desire to see and experience the world. Whilst at university we kept our relationship going, but it was long distance and this did put a strain on us both. I met a man a college with whom I became very close and this was at the same time as with this lad from home.

This college friend was a complete dear, he looked after me for about three years, without him I would definitely never have completed college. He cooked, cleaned our flat that we shared, and we went out to clubs a lot, he later became a DJ and was an avid music fan. From him I got an awful lot too, for one thing I have an enormous CD collection ( he gave me the music collecting bug ) and the most beautiful lesson this man gave me was how not to worship money. A lesson that will always stay close to my heart.

Then there was a rascal, a two, three, four timer, he caused me a lot of grief and I have written here about this before, but it is right to exorcise this demon and say what was the good he brought to my life. It is an easy one really, this man had vast knowledge of history and the social sciences and to a certain degree methodology. It was knowledge that I needed, knowledge which never left me and has stood me in fairly good stead as I pursued a life of left wing political activism. He is now a college lecturer.

A more recent partner taught me rather a lot, although he was a bit of a scoundrel too. He has experience of reiki healing, and when we met, I was getting into healing with crystals, and he took an interest in it. Anyway, he had a badly broken foot that had been broken for a long while and his doctor has said there was nothing they could do. So one evening, he asked me, well kind of ordered me more like to heal his broken foot! Well amazingly I did! It was an extremely traumatic experience for us both. He described how it felt like a clamp went straight into his foot and pulled his bones together, at which point he yelled out, I witnessed a ball rise in his foot and come to the surface, at which point I cried.

The upshot of it was that the foot was now pink, healthy and mended and I knew I could heal broken bones. I mended many bones, tendons, fractures etc for a time and I am very glad that I did and that I can, all thanks to him.

The other lesson he taught me was how when I am in arguments with people to let them think that they are teaching you something even if they are not, just to make them feel better (I think it is known as turning the other cheek) and it is a good lesson that I keep close to me.

He helped me in other ways, and it was always my aim to help him and be a companion to him. I paid his bills, fed him, washed his clothes, cleaned, and in a way although I worked hard around him, it was good to know that I could do these things that I felt I could not do when I was younger. But I am glad it is over now, I have more freedom and I am better for the lessons learned and having been close to him.