Art teacher, friend , Advisor: Barbara Crayden 1946 -2010

This lovely lady cared for many people, she loved life and she loved people, she was foster Mum to six children plus having three of her own.

I got to know her towards the end of 2004, she encouraged me to do pottery at first and then was delighted when I started to do art as well.

In terms of producing art and ceramic modelling, pots etc, Barbara gave you confidence; she helped me to believe in myself and my work. She was also a very kind hearted woman. We called her our 'Angel Teacher', because she had us all making ceramic angels and although she taught us art, maybe she was also teaching us about angels, and how to reach for the stars.

You see when I first arrived at the center where she worked to do some pottery and meet new people, about the sixth item I made was a ceramic model of the devil. We always talked about this because I went home (after making him) all disturbed and wondering what on earth I was going to do with him, I was scared but too scared to ask Barbara not to fire him.

Anyhow, the next thing I knew was that he had come apart in her hands! First his left arm fell off when she picked him up, then his right arm and then his head fell off! Barbara said that I could put him together again with slip but I said no, and we put his remains in the bucket for recycling clay, and I made a tree with birds and flowers from it. We both found it an extraordinary experience especially as she noted, the models I generally make do not fall apart. I believed at that time and to this day that Barbara was too good and that is why the devil fell apart in her hands.

We argued sometimes, but in fairness she had a number of groups that she was taking and had to take care of everyone's interests, but we learned a lot together, she was wonderful and really understood me well.

We entered an exhibition of our work in Canterbury in 2008, and when someone there wanted to buy one of my clay pieces she saw to the business side of the deal and we were all very happy.

I have lost a teacher, a confidante and a friend, and I have been feeling so lost without her. At her funeral on Thursday 15th April 2010, it made me feel close to what it might be like to lose my mother and you know I am so grateful to Barbara for allowing me that. Losing my mother is something I have feared all my life and now Barbara has given me part experience of it and helped me in that respect too.

In her life she gave so much and so too did she give in her death. A true warrior. Rest In Peace.

This song is dedicated to you, Barbara; When I need you.

Mistakes and Mishaps

On first joining the Socialist Workers Party, I was full of enthusiasm and hope for the future and as I was still very young, (19 years old) I felt hopeful in general.

However there were and probably still are some dodgy and unsavoury characters in the SWP.

Whereas I would normally have told my Mum everything that was happening in my life, my joining the SWP was not something she wanted for me, therefore I believed it would cause a rift between us, although in reality although she would not have liked it, she would be very supportive of it later on. But I didn’t realise this.

I was having other personal problems that I was not dealing with very well. One was that my Dad had left the country for good (divorce and all that) at the same time I left home to go to college. Secondly, a relationship I was having with a nice Jamaican lad from school was getting strained to the point of a break up just before I decided to join the SWP. So I was vulnerable.

Then I met this very smarmy 25 year old man in the SWP who took me under his wing when I first joined as a wide eyed 19 year old. He spent ages with me telling me all about the history and traditions of revolutionary and left wing politics and I lapped it up. Then at some sort of conference ( I cannot remember which one) he arranged it so that I would stay with him. I was unsure, but agreed, then during the night he made a pass at me and at first I turned him down, but then I can’t remember why but I eventually relented (even though I knew he was in a relationship with someone). I really regret that decision, and just cannot explain how much I regret it now and how bad the whole sordid two year affair made me feel.

I continued as an SWP member, finished my degree which I passed, but was in a god awful clandestine affair with an uncaring and advantage taking so - called socialist in the SWP. Eventually after suffering for two years (after a year I started to self harm), I found out that he had been sleeping with about six or seven women, many of them my friends and I think he got one or maybe even two of them pregnant. I froze emotionally and became very depressed.

He left to do a job within the SWP elsewhere and I was very glad because I was at last released from him, although he still rang me from where he was then living asking me to ‘visit’ him as his partner was away for a weekend (the utter sod). But I felt no inclination to carry on with him surprisingly!

I was very glad that this awful liaison was over, but I was becoming emotionally very unstable. I contacted my old boyfriend (my childhood sweetheart), but he lost respect for me when I told him what had happened and he was starting to become abusive and hurtful.

Then I went back home to live with my Mother, who was now living alone (but she had always told us that this is what she wanted) and my relationship with her was terrible, and I started to feel suicidal. My local branch of the SWP was not in the least bit helpful or offered any kind of light or hope in these dark times, mainly because it was effectively a one man band, and that one man was crushing my spirits too.

I would have gone to the doctor because of the extreme emotional strain I was under but I decided to try to talk to my mother about it first. She was not supportive of my going to see a doctor for my mental health and although I was really upset that she thought it was not the right thing to do, I didn’t go after all, which was another very big mistake, for which I paid heavily later on.

Part two coming soon …