This is known as 'Ego Documentation', here is my up to date version.

Throughout my life, I have felt on the one hand a great love for the world, for people and animals, but also a deep concern. An example of this is how I feared nuclear holocaust in the 1980's; to the extent that I was inconsolable for a long time, my sister managed to talk me round, eventually, when I finally opened up to her and said what was wrong.

Around this time too, I made a decision that I would probably not bring any children of my own into the world as I felt that life was already hard for me and would be getting worse, I did not want them to suffer as I did. I was also feeling that I had no choice but to become active in politics in order to stop the attacks on our livelihoods, ( this was around the time of the Miner's strike; Margaret Thatcher's heyday). It was a fear I had ( maybe irrational, maybe not), that if I became a target because of my views, I did not want to have children who might be used by others as a way of getting to me, forcing me to cease political activism.

As I got more deeply involved in politics, I became bent on being part of destroying the existing system ( capitalism) and that was it. I was singular in this aim, I did realise that it might be a little over the top, but I rationalised this by thinking and believing it was my role in life, that I was a bit like Kali ( the dark destroyer from Hinduism) or that I would emanate her. Such single mindedness may have also been compensation too. An escape and outlet for the unhappy and failed close relationships I experienced that seemed to feature in my life.

Another element was that I felt responsible for many people's spiritual or emotional deaths. On tackling other peoples political beliefs, I would strip them of their own belief systems, attempting to bring forth an understanding of the world as a class system. Any defence of the system was met with contempt and derision from me, I made it clear that a position of defending the system was unacceptable to me. I was highly destructive in many respects.

There were so many issues, political and philosophical that I was unfamiliar with and may not have fully appreciated or understood, but I always did my best to understand theoretical concepts and historical events. I was though, developing a vicious tongue and a heavy burden, in the sense that I felt like all the world's problems were on my shoulder.

So this was me; unhappiness and failed/ failing relationships, anger at the injustice in the world ( which was enhanced by being a political activist, by being more and more exposed to examples of cases of injustice), a combination of emotions that ran so deep within me and it could not go on, so I flipped out and had a nervous breakdown, or, a spiritual death.

This experience made me extremely flat ( zombie like even) and it did feel like I was in Hell. I still had a sense of humour and a sense of love for others and for humanity. Although it was hard to hang on to those things at times, I did manage it and I survived (to tell the tale).